What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 07:35
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i do to all so called friends.?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I was very sick at this time too.
I waited trembling.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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This is soul school!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was in good health!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She married twice! .
What did i know ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I have no regrets .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It was going to be , some day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
I said to her
She found it foreign!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i lived it daily.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was scared of men, in general
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When she asked me how she looked .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ive learnt so much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I don,t even have a pension.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was 9 years of age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot live in the past .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Would this be the day?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
I was seconnd youngest,
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im dying but, im not bitter.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But ive been too sick for many years..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But, we were locked up after school.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My life is so biszare .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We all went to grammer schools
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.